i forgot that blogger is all screwed up now and cannot post images anymore.

so i'm moving to squishydinosaurs.wordpress.com

爱得太用力

Back from Redang. Did a lot of thinking the past few days. Still have no answers or solutions, maybe there aren't any. I know in actual fact nothing has changed, nothing will ever change.

Sometimes I really want to tell you how much I care about you. You can say or think anything, but you cannot think that I don't care. Surely you know that..

Sometimes I really just want you to know that I care, a lot a lot, and that you can be sure of that always.

But other times I feel stupid for caring so much.

But the truth is I care, too much. I always will. Even if I can't admit it to myself, much less to you, I really care about you and that will never change.

I say mean things to you only to protect myself and to disguise how much I care about you. And I don't know, do you want me to be nice or not? Sometimes you seem so squirmish and uncomfortable, you seem to like people being mean to you. But then other times you complain that I make digs at you...

Never mind. The important thing is just to remember that I can't have expectations.

The disappointment has given way to a dull constant ache - accepting that this will always be the way... I'm just a friend, like weeyang, xian, alison. Despite all the time and effort I've put in compared to them, I'm just the same as them to you.

I realised we probably operate in different currencies. me and yq work in the same. yq will change her msn message to "dont be :( love" and then she will talk to me on msn even though she's rushing to go out until the last moment when she has to leave. then she left, and she sms-ed me.

these little things speak to me. i don't know what currency C operates with. something different, that i don't quite understand. maybe she doesn't understand mine either. that's why she doesn't understand why i'm upset over the Fb fiasco.

or maybe actually she just doesn't really consider me as one of her closest friends...

but enough. enough of all this wondering, guessing, hoping, aching. i don't know what i can do, nothing really. except to convince myself to accept it and live with this fact. There are other things to be happy about..

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're there for me too...

Actually you don't even understand

i have been reminded that
1. i am a london ocf friend
2. i care about her more than she does me
3. this will always be the case as far as i can see

(notice i use the word reminded, and notice what i am and am not.)

and so, i have to remind myself
1. to not care so much, to adjust to her level
2. that i am a friend, like alison, xian, wy, and treat her like i treat them and expect to be treated like they are

but i realised there's nothing to be upset about. because these are all things that i already know, have known for some time.

i guess i just let slip and forgot. forgot to remember my place, forgot to remember to hold back, forgot the most important rule of this friendship.

so i'm mainly angry with myself. angry with myself for forgetting all these things. allowing myself to forget. allowing myself to think anything else. and finally, angry with myself for showing it to her instead of dealing with it myself. angry with myself for letting my guard down and letting the pain get to me. angry with myself because i'm dumb enough to be bothered by such dumb things.

maybe i thought i could be like sara, to care for others without expecting anything in return. maybe i thought i could care about someone selflessly. maybe i thought i could be like alison, and not be bothered too much. maybe i failed because i'm not as loving as them, or maybe i failed because i forgot and let myself have expectations.

never mind, forget about it, it doesn't even hurt anymore after a night of psycho-ing myself to not care.