Actually you don't even understand

i have been reminded that
1. i am a london ocf friend
2. i care about her more than she does me
3. this will always be the case as far as i can see

(notice i use the word reminded, and notice what i am and am not.)

and so, i have to remind myself
1. to not care so much, to adjust to her level
2. that i am a friend, like alison, xian, wy, and treat her like i treat them and expect to be treated like they are

but i realised there's nothing to be upset about. because these are all things that i already know, have known for some time.

i guess i just let slip and forgot. forgot to remember my place, forgot to remember to hold back, forgot the most important rule of this friendship.

so i'm mainly angry with myself. angry with myself for forgetting all these things. allowing myself to forget. allowing myself to think anything else. and finally, angry with myself for showing it to her instead of dealing with it myself. angry with myself for letting my guard down and letting the pain get to me. angry with myself because i'm dumb enough to be bothered by such dumb things.

maybe i thought i could be like sara, to care for others without expecting anything in return. maybe i thought i could care about someone selflessly. maybe i thought i could be like alison, and not be bothered too much. maybe i failed because i'm not as loving as them, or maybe i failed because i forgot and let myself have expectations.

never mind, forget about it, it doesn't even hurt anymore after a night of psycho-ing myself to not care.