爱得太用力

Back from Redang. Did a lot of thinking the past few days. Still have no answers or solutions, maybe there aren't any. I know in actual fact nothing has changed, nothing will ever change.

Sometimes I really want to tell you how much I care about you. You can say or think anything, but you cannot think that I don't care. Surely you know that..

Sometimes I really just want you to know that I care, a lot a lot, and that you can be sure of that always.

But other times I feel stupid for caring so much.

But the truth is I care, too much. I always will. Even if I can't admit it to myself, much less to you, I really care about you and that will never change.

I say mean things to you only to protect myself and to disguise how much I care about you. And I don't know, do you want me to be nice or not? Sometimes you seem so squirmish and uncomfortable, you seem to like people being mean to you. But then other times you complain that I make digs at you...

Never mind. The important thing is just to remember that I can't have expectations.

The disappointment has given way to a dull constant ache - accepting that this will always be the way... I'm just a friend, like weeyang, xian, alison. Despite all the time and effort I've put in compared to them, I'm just the same as them to you.

I realised we probably operate in different currencies. me and yq work in the same. yq will change her msn message to "dont be :( love" and then she will talk to me on msn even though she's rushing to go out until the last moment when she has to leave. then she left, and she sms-ed me.

these little things speak to me. i don't know what currency C operates with. something different, that i don't quite understand. maybe she doesn't understand mine either. that's why she doesn't understand why i'm upset over the Fb fiasco.

or maybe actually she just doesn't really consider me as one of her closest friends...

but enough. enough of all this wondering, guessing, hoping, aching. i don't know what i can do, nothing really. except to convince myself to accept it and live with this fact. There are other things to be happy about..

I'll be there for you
When the rain starts to pour
I'll be there for you
Like I've been there before
I'll be there for you
'Cuz you're there for me too...